Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Seasons Greetings

Merry Christmas Everybody. I wish joy and goodwill to everyone, and I hope you all get the gifts you desire (or are at least decent enough to pretend that a pair of socks and a reindeer tie is the best idea ever), and that all your friends and family will love your thoughtful presents.

However, if you are offended by the idea of Christmas, and would like it changed to an alternative style of greeting, please fuck off.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Racism part II

A couple of years ago, I went to the States. Whilst there, we went to a college American Football game. I've always liked American Football. It's like rugby without the mud. I've always wanted to go to a proper game, and not having enough money to see an NFL game, I found out about a big college game in the Atlanta stadium that only cost $20.

The game started at 2pm, but the ticket office opened at 10am, so we were there waiting in line (well, actually first in line) at 8.30am to make sure we could buy our tickets.

We were quite happily chatting with people as they turned up to buy tickets. There was the student lawyer and her husband (I never found out what he did), the 19 year old just out of juvie for assault (his older brother was inside for attempted murder in the same attack), his girlfriend and her male "friend" (another assault coming up perhaps), and the middle aged mother of six. We whiled away a lovely hour chatting with all of them - they were obviously charmed by my british accent, politeness and dazzling wit (or it may just have been my good looks) - before buying the tickets and wandering off into the pre-game funfair and tailgate party.

And what a party! I couldn't see the edges of it. There were funfair rides, beer tents, barbecues and hog roasts, advertising stands for Ford, Chrysler, GM, all showing a number of cars, a recruitment stand for the US Army (and they tried very hard to recruit me - must be desperate), and lots of other marquees, tents, pick-ups and souvenir stands left, right and centre.

We spent 4 hours wandering around all the stands, rides and beer tents before heading into the stadium itself. A bit of a sore point was that we weren't allowed to take our water bottle in with us. Its quite hot down in Atlanta, especially for someone far more suited to an English climate, so the loss of the water was a cruel blow. I would have to rehydrate with beer!

So we went in, found our seats and settled down for the pre-game show, battle of the bands, cheerleader show, and pre-game announcements.

And it was these announcements that triggered it. The game was being sponsored by the 100 black men of Atlanta, a title that I immediately thought would be too politically incorrect for the UK, followed immediately by the thought that actually, no, it wouldn't be un-PC, only the opposite would.

Then it hit me. I had spent the last five or six hours in a crowd of over 100,000 people, and only when it was virtually pointed out to me did I realise that we had the only two white faces in that crowd of 100,000 black people. Whats more, in a game dubbed the "Super Bowl of Black College Football" – a reference to its notoriety and attendance.

Not only do I not care about what colour people are, I don't even notice.

In what way does that make me racist?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Adding to the blogroll

'Bout time I added Old Hellborne to my blogroll. Been reading him for a while, and he is an angry, angry man.

So, should suit the tone of this place very well then!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Why can't I just buy a ticket?

I'm sat here in the living room, watching Top Gear, and my Mum reminded me that I need to buy a train ticket for Friday. So I dutifully go online to check the times and fares, and buy the ticket.

Shouldn't be too difficult, should it? I know the times, I've got my credit card in my hand, so whats the problem?

The problem is Farce Great Western.

I just want to buy the sodding ticket. Apparantly I have to be a registered user to buy a ticket. Why?

Anyway, I go through the registration process. When I eventually finish, finding out on the way that my password must be less than 10 characters (not particularly helpfull, or secure), I discover that I am already registered. Ahh. Must have forgotten.

So, I now have to go all the way back to the login (as opposed to the register) screen, enter my email address, and then hit a snag. I can't remember my password. Why? It's (probably) not early dementia. Instead, its that all the passwords I routinely use are more than 10 characters. So its a password that I must have made up just for this account. Not very helpful.

Ahhh - Farce Great Western have thought of this. They can helpfully email me my password.

Unfortunately, the email account is only available to me on my desk at work. And I'm at home. NOT. VERY. FUCKING. HELPFUL. YOU. BUNCH. OF. CUNTS.

All I want to do is book my ticket, give them my credit card number, and pick up my ticket when I get to the station. I'll even give them my email so they can clog my inbox with spam (as well as sending me a booking reference). So why the fuck do I have to become a fucking registered user to be able to do this. Its not like it helps them spam the shit out of my inbox, as I have already given them my email for the booking reference. I cannot think of any good reason whatsoever. If anyone out there can illuminate me on this, it will save me a fortune in ammunition!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Breakin the law

On Sunday, I commited a crime. A henious, venial, self-absorbed crime, with no thought for how it might affect other people. It was totally anti-social, and I would like to hereby admit my guilt, and offer myself up for retibution from society.

On Sunday, I went to a public park, sat on a bench and ............ drank a bottle of beer!

In mitigation, I would like to point out the following:

1. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I enjoyed the experience of relaxing with a bottle of beer in the sunshine.

2. No-one else was harmed or inconvenienced by my activities.

3. In fact, no-one else was in the park, or saw me commit this atrocity.

So please, can anyone tell me, just WHY THE FUCK are there signs all over the park pointing out that consuming alcohol in the park is a criminal offence?

For fucks sake, there are more than enough laws to punish and prevent people from getting pissed and beating the crap out of each other, or any other form of alcohol related anti-social behaviour, so why do we have to have another one that punishes law-abiding, well behaved adults from enjoying a civilised tipple in the sunshine?

I do hope a labour politician knocks on my door to canvase come election time. I am going to invite it into my house, then beat it to death with its own inflated sense of self importance.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Prison doesn't work?

Chris Hune, the Liberal Democrat MP, was quoted this morning on BBC News as saying that 92% of young offenders who serve two months or less go on to re-offend within two years of release.

Has he considered perhaps that the only people who get put into prison, especially for short sentences such as two months or less, are those who have been repeatedly given every possible chance to change their offending behaviour, using community sentences, fines, and every other possible rehabilitation procedure known to the authorities. Therefore, I am very surprised that only 92% go on to re-offend

Their policy is to prevent re-offending by imposing community sentences, fines and other non-prison options.

Such as those already used on those who then re-offend and eventually get sent to prison for short sentences!

How about one party actually growing a pair of testicles and stating their policy as preventing offending in the first place. Sack wasters such as Sir Ian Blair, Tarique Ghaffur, Ali Dizaei and all the other senior police (lack of) management, and let the front line officers ditch all the statistics and diversity paperwork and get on with their job properly.

As Sir Robert Peel said, "The test of police efficiency is the absence of crime and disorder, not the visible evidence of police action in dealing with it."

Remember, police on the streets means offences NOT happening!

Friday, July 18, 2008


You've heard the phrase "kill em all, let God sort em out".

Well, I don't believe in God, so my philosophy is a little shorter.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Friday, July 4, 2008

Fourth of July

Happy Independence Day to our colonial cousins.

Just remember, once we have rid ourselves of this obnoxious PC culture, Gormless Frown and his fascist/communist buddies, and the E-USSR, you are welcome to come back to the fold whenever you are ready.

If, however, the EU carry on with their Mugabe-like referendum behaviour, I may be popping over the pond to join you lot in what may be the last bastion of the Free World.

Collective punishment, Authoritarianism and Police Incompetence

Mysterious party lovers on Facebook have tried to organise a beach party in Torbay this weekend. I suppose it beats just turning up at someone's birthday party en masse and trashing the house. However, Torbay Council and Devon and Cornwall police are up in arms about it.

They do have a point. If you have a party with four to five thousand people drinking, its a good idea to have some sober presence to weed out troublemakers, pick up the passed-out and try to stop some of them drowning themselves (high tide on Saturday evening is 20:06, so there will be no beach from about 7pm till after dark anyway). It may also be a fairly good idea to have a few portapotties around, you know, just in case someone needs a piss and can't find a handy doorway. Parking facilities may be useful, and some first aid, courtesy of St John's Ambulance or the British Red Cross, is always handy should someone drink too much, pass out and try to inhale their own vomit. I don't know about you, but people dying in the midst of a party always seems to me to put a downer on the proceedings.

But, and its a big butt (snigger), this is still, despite Gormless Frown's best efforts, a free country, with the legal right to free association. It is also illegal to punish someone for someone else's crime (or indeed, potential crime). So why, therefore, am I not allowed to park on an otherwise legal parking bay on Saturday, under threat of having my car towed away? This means I cannot take my daughter to the beach to build a sandcastle. Why am I not allowed to purchase a beer on Saturday? In short, why am I being directly punished for the possible actions of persons unknown?

The reason, I have to assume, is the rank incompetence of the senior management of Devon and Cornwall Police. If they had any idea whatsoever about what it is to be a police officer, they wouldn't be trying to punish everybody, they would attend this event and punish only those who have committed a criminal offence.

But they can't do that, because the party takes place outside of office hours, and all of the management don't work outside of office hours (they don't do anything productive inside of office hours, but that's another story). I mean, it must be ever so taxing to have to compile all those stats, and to think about running yet another diversity course.

And god* forbid that anyone else can have a good time.

* or Allah, or Buddha, or Unity, or Omega, or the Cosmos, or whoever the fuck cares**
** Just trying out my knowledge from the latest diversity course!

Update: If you are planning to come to Torbay for the party, don't bother. It's pissing down!

Update II: Looks like the police really are killjoys, and not just in relation to this weekend!

Torbay police commander Supt Chris Singer told a press briefing yesterday: "We are going to stop any party from happening.

Courtesy of the Herald Express

Saturday, June 28, 2008


I was having a discussion recently about racism. My take on it is this: I don't care what colour you are. I don't care what religion you practise. I don't care if you are black, white, green, orange, yellow, purple, or just spend too much time on a sun bed. I just don't care. It is an irrelevance. The only thing I care about is are you human, and do you act like a human.

I've been told this is racist. WTF?

Admittedly, I have been told this by a self-confessed member of the "liberal elite" (I hate that phrase; they are neither liberal nor elite, and think if they claim to be both enough, people will start to believe them), so I don't actually set much store by it.

I feel that it may be politically incorrect not to regard one's skin colour as important, and if you are not politically correct, you must be racist.

I still don't understand.

Perhaps picking various self-confessed members of the liberal elite and beating them to death with a grande extra tall non-dairy non-fat mochachino would help my understanding.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Knife Crime

Knife Crime is a big thing nowadays. Anyone would think that every kid is carrying. They're not.

It wasn't like that in my day, I can tell you. Way back then (all of 15 years) every kid I knew WAS carrying, including myself. Now, you're instantly supposing I grew up on an inner city sink estate. Not true. I grew up in a small town in a rural-ish county, where there was no significant violent crime, nor any specific fear of violent crime.

Then the government of the day passed the Knives Act 1997 which gives the police, on the authority of a senior officer, the right to stop and search anyone at all, for any, or indeed no, reason.

And thus criminalisation and punishment falls not upon the violent scum who will stab you rather than speak to you (and find it a great deal easier), but upon the otherwise innocent cub scout, gardener, apple eater, whittler, or any number of other hobbyists for whom it is perfectly legal to have their knife in their pocket, for example on the allotment, but not legal to have it in their pocket on the way home through a rough area.

The police and Criminal Protection Service reasoning? "You should have left it at the allotment." Well, yes, of course, if I was on a police salary I could afford to have expensive Swiss Army Knives kept at my place of work, my home, my garage and my allotment, but as I am one of the majority of the population, I don't earn that astronomical salary, so I have to make do with only one, and therefore need to transport it from place to place. Most convenient place to have it? In my pocket.

So number of people stabbed or otherwise attacked by me using a knife in over 15 years of carrying one? Zero
Number of people attacked by me in 15 years without using a knife? Zero
Chance of me, if attacked by someone with a knife, actually being able to get my knife out of my pocket, choose which blade I want, unfold it and use it to defend myself? Zero

Perhaps if the police actually arrested those who do use knives as weapons, and the CPS, instead of protecting the criminals Yuman Rites Innit because of their poor ickle deprived background and actually pushed for hugely significant custodial sentences, there wouldn't be this culture of fear and stabbings.

IQ of those in power over us? Zero

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Cycling and Ruth Kelly

Watching Ruth Kelly on BBC Breakfast this morning talking about cycling, and the money being given to Bristol as a cycling demonstration city, she was asked that as cycling can be very dangerous, what would the government do to make cycling safer.

As is usual with these slimy, and increasingly irrelevant, politicians, she was unable to give anything even resembling an answer. She merely warbled away with platitudes about peoples perception was that cycling was dangerous, and that people's perceptions would be changed by the investment. Very Newspeak. Nothing was actually said about making cycling safer. There were mentions of Bristol having some "excellent ideas" but nothing concrete (except maybe the concrete bollards they will put in to ensure that any cyclist that crash into them do so fatally).

She even mentioned that yesterday she got onto a bike, and its true that you never forget how to ride. All that shows is that she doesn't actually have any clue whatsoever about what it means to cycle anywhere.

As usual, Ruth Kelly is from the Gormless Frown school of waffle, warble and say nothing of substance. She is wasting MY money and MY time talking about things of which she knows NOTHING.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Binge Drinking

Yet again, we see more proposals to punish the innocent, and let the guilty continue as they like.

Now it is proposed that there should be a minimum price of 35p per unit of alcohol. This would push the minimum price of a bottle of wine up by 46%. Fine you think. 35p isn't much, and it will stop those yobs getting drunk on park benches.


The yobs on park benches will always have enough money to buy their drink. It wouldn't make any difference if the unit price was pushed up to 35 pounds, making your bottle of wine cost a minimum of £350 for cheap and nasty plonk. The yobs on the benches would still have their booze, either by stealing it directly from the shop, or taking your cash from your gently cooling corpse.

How about a radical idea: actually arrest and imprison those causing trouble through Drunk and Disorderly. Easy to do, no new laws required, all we need are the police currently doing paperwork to get out on the streets in the evenings when the trouble tends to occur.

Binge drinking problem solved!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

What I was going to write about

You know, when I first thought I might write a blog, there were a few ideas about what to put into it. Obviously, the big thing in my life was the iminent arrival of my firstborn, so I decided to put some of that into it.

Also there was my natural vitriolic hatred towards all forms of politican, so I felt that some comment on politics would be required.

Then there would be everyday musings, like why do birds sing, what is at the edge of space, and what should I have for lunch.

And then, the sprog popped out.

Everyone says this is a life changing event. Well it is, but not in the way most people seem to claim. I have a little less time than I did before, but not enough to justify not keeping up with blogging. I have had to spend a lot of my free time building an extra bedroom, decorating it, and putting up with the nagging from Mrs Islander about why its not finished yet, but I can't do that after little one has gone to bed, so there's the whole evening free. Washing up baby bottles doesn't take that long you know (even to someone like me, to whom washing-up is a dirty phrase), and even when she was very young, it didn't take much to learn to live on two hours sleep at a stretch. I think the biggest change in my life was in my head. Now, the only thing that matters is providing for my little girl, be it money, clothes, food or my attention. The centre of my life has changed from being all over the place, to being focused on her.

And that is my excuse for leaving over a year between posts.

Well, that and I'm a bone-idle lazy git who can't be bothered

New Euorpean Flag

Following the failed vote of the Irish canton of the North West Region, the EU commission has decided to ignore such an obviously flawed result, and has implemented the Lisbon Constitution Treaty in full by fiat, and has designed the new flag, to fly for a thousand years.

Friday, June 13, 2008